Sunday, December 03, 2006

A levels are over, SAT2 is over, its about time i ended my hiatus. I realise many people i know and have come to recognise as part of my social life and circle are going to return to their home countries. Somehow i know im not supposed to feel sad for them, because they probably sorely miss their parent(s), even if there are some who would rather not face them. I understand that we must go our separate ways, and yet i hope that we will stay in touch, through cyberspace.

Other regrets come to mind, such as not putting in enough effort for prelims and even before that. People who have been studying hard and getting their As throughout deserve to get it again. Do I? Im not sure i deserve even that 4As, much less and distinctions in S papers. I could easily blame it on WoW, but i know that was a choice i myself made, and can only regret. I told myself during As that i would give my best shot, and face it without regret. But that was only momentary, and lethargic thoughts are creeping up on me again.

I am sure i will be able to take a mediocre result and step on towards NUS. But I am rather certain (confirm with chop) that someone in my household will remember it for me, and make sure i remember it for the rest of my life (or his). Scary flashbacks to the time when i was sent to a lesser JC come to mind, vivid like a nightmare im now dreaming. "RI so what? You are nothing." thats the kind of encouragement i recieve from my father. I am not sure how i will cope with his inconsiderate rantings should i fail to perform at least as well as my brother. "Hopes held high" would be a good description of what my brother has on me...

People often talk about how elders put onto the younger ones their burdens and all their regrets. They will go all out to try and prevent the young from making the same mistakes and facing the same consequences. It is not difficult to see that one who gets an overseas degree has a brighter future than a toad in a red dot, especially if Singapore isn't well known for that field of study in the first place. I can feel the hope resting on my shoulders, and i have no where to rest it.

Will I too sit on my ledge and watch as my friends take flight?