Monday, May 19, 2008

The last post?

well. kudos to google on never deleting anything... i realise that not deleting anything might actually result in better "data safety" and removes the problem of data fragmentation entirely. Anyway. I realise the server hosting this probably runs raid 2 or higher.. and im taking up some space with my insignificant rantings and words. wonder how long this will remain here.. 100 years? Google will probably start manufacturing hard disks by then..

Sometimes i wonder what went wrong with me. I cant stand my father. How he doesn't listen, and talks to you like he's talking to himself. How he always thinks i don't respect him and how he always thinks im arguing with him. How he always thinks he's right...

Then i realise he is right. in more ways than one. Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't understand why it happened, but i began "rebelling" and arguing, mainly because i always think im right and he's wrong, and i don't like being treated like a spineless, insignificant brat. Somewhere along i also lost all respect of him.

He couldn't pass his As, only passed after my mum made him go for another try.. he was always receiving complaints at work, but somehow thats normal because he worked at an NPP so boliao citizens will always jack him just because they're not too happy with his attitude or something. I don't doubt he worked his ass off to earn money. he even continued working after he retired in a couple of jobs, then he stopped because he felt his body couldn't cope with working long hours anymore. Now he just stays at home with my mum and -occasionally- makes everyone's life miserable.

All i remember when i was young was that he always had alot of rage. it was mostly undirected, but it definitely wasnt dormant. I have a few traumatic experiences with that rage, which i remember all too well. As a child (id like to think that i am no longer one) i was the naughty, playful, active, crazy type.

There was once i ran around the hawker centre at old airport road. I was what? 7? When my family found me we left immediately. And before we got into the car he pinched me countless times all over my thighs. if i remember correctly i was wailing. i dont remember him stopping.

Another time i was arguing with him. I was.. having my O levels. Rebellious age ya? he pushed me arnd and used his fists and feet on me. I dont remember it hurting, and i dont remember making much noise. he stopped, probably cos he got tired. I cried in bed after that.

That was probably the last time i really cried.

He has fetched me to camp every book in since i went into NS. We have conversations like normal father and son. Time and again he will suddenly burst into anger and declare that i am arguing with him. Past experiences will remind me to just stop talking and let him rant and rave for a while, but sometimes i get angsty too and the house gets noisy. In the end i will always lose, regardless of what i say or what the argument is about (he doesn't listen anyway), because "I am your father!" pretty much owns everything else i have to say. (and i cant shout "NO!" and fall into a pit to be rescued by-)

Now, i feel like i am becoming a lot like him. * Doesn't listen. Argues. Refuse to lose. Doesn't give a damn what everyone else thinks. Talk like im talking to myself. Talk as if no one else' feelings matter. full of rage. I no longer respect him. I have been thinking about this lately. And i don't know how to change myself. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into denial and becoming an introvert. Soon ill probably fear human contact and try to stay away from my friends in case something i do/say makes them think different of me. Different from how they used to see me. I keep detecting animosity between my peers and myself.

*A Thought* that, maybe, just maybe, if one of my friends who know of this site ever comes back to read all of this, maybe they will understand why i am who i am now.. just a hope.

I feel alone. And it feels disturbingly comfortable.