Wednesday, October 01, 2008

40 days to freedom.
I can feel it.. so close... yet;

I feel like I have no clue what lies ahead. The last 1 year and 10 months I have spent making new friends and learning how harsh the working world can be, how unreasonable people who - outside of their law-given power - no one would listen or care about, can enjoy hours of bliss torturing the living daylights out of other humans beings, the men of my company. The rank given to me was nothing more than an amulet to protect myself from all these. Nonetheless I thought myself superior to those other beings, who were treated no better than dogs, to do as they were told or be punished, to be punished even if they did everything they were told...

I am tormented by thoughts of what i should be doing, late at night before turning in for the day, yet the next day - refreshed - I leave it all for the next night, and carry on my routines. Anime, manga, theyre all i seem to have now. Sometimes i get nice messages from the anime, which in my eyes (and ears) are just like graphic novels, compressed into periods of 6.5hrs each, which is also about the same amount of time it would take for me to finish a novella. Therein lies the writer's mind and ideas, which even if they do not reflect actual experience, contains something that he or she has come up with after some thought.

So what am i to do after it all? I'm gonna end up a Computing student in NUS. What lies there? Will i suffer from the inability to understand the prc or indian lecturers and their pseudo-english? Will i be able to match the success my brother has had from studying in Singapore and his luck? I know i will persevere, but what lies after that?

Endless chatter again. I try hard to control it but its like a flood of words every time i try to express myself to people. I have already realised. People who know me mostly only listen to the first and last sentences of my speech. Its too taxing to listen to all of it. Might have something to do with my lack of expressing myself at home.. I also have difficulty remembering what others have told me about themselves. Definitely not a plus for maintaining relationships. Im a bad listener, in many senses. I foresee difficulties in improving that, probably only possible after my father dies. I constantly practice completely ignoring what he says to me. Words of nonsense and gibberish that do nothing but poke at my failures and mistakes, containing no praise or remorse, Words that i don't agree with and have no basis, Words that are wrong in many senses. Yet arguing is not a choice. It doesnt mean a thing to refute him. He also does not listen. He also doesnt care if I care.

Am i becoming him? No. I will not. That will be one of my goals in life. My first. Definitely not my last. I promise you.