Thursday, November 20, 2008

err. 10 days ago anyway.

The day i was so sure would change my life forever came and went, and i just wasted away 10 days of my "precious" freedom by sleeping at 4am and waking at 2pm the last 9 days. Almost everyone else i know is already working parttime to earn some form of upkeep. Myself, i seem to be becoming a hikikomori (for those who understand) and staying at home doing nothing but sleep, play psp, play fallout 3 and listen to music. All the stuff that everyone said was okay to do.. but obviously not to the level im at right now. I downloaded star ocean 1st departure and finished it in 2 days.. then i restarted -again- to get different characters into the party. [sidenote. its really not bad an rpg once u get the hang of it its very easy to complete the storyline] Nothing done about starting to mug for uni or even what i said about applying to overseas again. everything about life is kinda at a standstill.

Tomorrow im going to attempt to wake up in the AM time slot for the first time in 10 days. wow. i said it. 4AM - 2PM is a healthy amount of sleep but in an unhealthy timeslot. If im *ever* going to have 3 meals a day... haha ill have to wake up in time for breakfast.

I hope ill be able to go for that dso attachment with pw and chen and krit.. although i have no idea how much ill be able to contribute to whatever research is being done, i suppose the laojiao looking after me probably wont expect much from me either (i hope). using this as the reason i have somehow made myself believe, that i am unable to find a job as of now cos i dunno when my internship will start and end... complete BS to my conscience lol. I could try finding weekly temp jobs... but that will probably be best paying during christmas? eww.

Now that i think of it, the only thing good i did so far was read. However my chosen read was fiction so there was no knowledge.. my denial self tells me thats to increase my reading speed because i havent been reading enough i read slow now. which is quite true. im trying to finish a book a day. but the way i do it is greatly different from how the pros do it. i finish it in a day. I dont do anything other than sleep read and eat. Thats definitely not healthy either.

end of rant. imma go play more star ocean.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

40 days to freedom.
I can feel it.. so close... yet;

I feel like I have no clue what lies ahead. The last 1 year and 10 months I have spent making new friends and learning how harsh the working world can be, how unreasonable people who - outside of their law-given power - no one would listen or care about, can enjoy hours of bliss torturing the living daylights out of other humans beings, the men of my company. The rank given to me was nothing more than an amulet to protect myself from all these. Nonetheless I thought myself superior to those other beings, who were treated no better than dogs, to do as they were told or be punished, to be punished even if they did everything they were told...

I am tormented by thoughts of what i should be doing, late at night before turning in for the day, yet the next day - refreshed - I leave it all for the next night, and carry on my routines. Anime, manga, theyre all i seem to have now. Sometimes i get nice messages from the anime, which in my eyes (and ears) are just like graphic novels, compressed into periods of 6.5hrs each, which is also about the same amount of time it would take for me to finish a novella. Therein lies the writer's mind and ideas, which even if they do not reflect actual experience, contains something that he or she has come up with after some thought.

So what am i to do after it all? I'm gonna end up a Computing student in NUS. What lies there? Will i suffer from the inability to understand the prc or indian lecturers and their pseudo-english? Will i be able to match the success my brother has had from studying in Singapore and his luck? I know i will persevere, but what lies after that?

Endless chatter again. I try hard to control it but its like a flood of words every time i try to express myself to people. I have already realised. People who know me mostly only listen to the first and last sentences of my speech. Its too taxing to listen to all of it. Might have something to do with my lack of expressing myself at home.. I also have difficulty remembering what others have told me about themselves. Definitely not a plus for maintaining relationships. Im a bad listener, in many senses. I foresee difficulties in improving that, probably only possible after my father dies. I constantly practice completely ignoring what he says to me. Words of nonsense and gibberish that do nothing but poke at my failures and mistakes, containing no praise or remorse, Words that i don't agree with and have no basis, Words that are wrong in many senses. Yet arguing is not a choice. It doesnt mean a thing to refute him. He also does not listen. He also doesnt care if I care.

Am i becoming him? No. I will not. That will be one of my goals in life. My first. Definitely not my last. I promise you.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Somehow i find myself wanting to post stuff every time i visit kai's blog. its the only blog i still bother to read though. The others seem to be irrelevant to me, even though kai's doesn't actually mention me at all haha. I guess ill keep this blog for keeps lol.

w007 its exactly 8 weeks till i get my pink ic back! haha and thats 56 days mroe! what more, atec is finally over! yeahhh! the feeling is great! all the stuff they said about more to come hasn't really set in yet. I'm still lovin' it! Who cares if theres an LRI and 4ntm? That's just sup sup swee as long as they don't send me out to the field again =P. Atec was t3h 5|4c|< though, but i cant say more =X

well, its times like these (mainly something big in my life coming to an end,) that i realise how much time i've wasted in my life. Saturday and Sunday every week spent sleeping, and being an otaku hikkamori, weekends burned for cos without any qualms,anger or lost meetings. Nothing done with my spare time at all. I have a text document called "waste time.txt" it appeared around the time i was designing a class tshirt for my class (in the end my designs fell through and some unwearable flashy design was chosen ~~ 50213 4eva!) and it became the file used for recording where the hell i stopped on a certain anime or manga. From checking through it i realised i have really devoted a large portion of my spent life on watching japanese cartoons and picture story books... at the age of 19. People are getting ready for overseas unis, acquiring more knowledge and experience (even if its clubbing experience), while i wile away my time in front of this computer. I don't feel like typing anymore (dinner is ready) so ill just give some scary numbers i can get from the following excerpt from wt.txt :

1157 episodes of anime watched~!
thats 482 hrs or 20 full days of staring at the screen!
i havent even taken into account the manga...
and the funny thing is.. i dont understand a word of Jap..
~ to all otakus out there.. REFLECT! although I'm probably not going to REPENT.

~~ start of excerpt~~!
#@! the world god only knows 18 read
#@! Hayate the Combat Butler 96 read
+#@! mahou`sensei`negima 225 read
+#@! Naruto 416 hua read
+#@! BLEACH 325, -97 read
#@! Kaichou wa Maid-sama! 12 read
#@! GenShiKen started from 42. 55 read... ended.
#@! desireclimax 40 read
#@! Mx0 99 read... ended.
#@! School Rumble Volume19 #283 b51~~>b60-1 ...ended?!
#@! Hunterx RM @ book21 on chinese manga site read

~ To LOVE-Ru 11 Watched - wtf fanservice
~Nogizaka Haruka no Himitsu 9 Watched
World Destruction 1 Watched
~ Koihime Musou 07 Watched - rotk erge all female cast..
~ Kyouran Kazoku Nikki 18 Watched - crazy family. a bit dry
~ Code Geass R2 22 Watched - !@$@#$ the plot so thick
~ Macross Frontier 23 Watched - err.. oldmecha+singing
~ Wagaya no Oinari-sama 18 Watched - fox spirit. slapstick humour ftw.
~ Ikkitousen GreatGuardians 4 Watched
~ Special A 22 Watched - linear plot
DaCapo 5 Watched. - love story. erm.
D Gray Man 100 Watched - retry

#@! Ouran High School Host Club 14 read
#@! ID Chapter 33 read
#@! Air Gear book3 read
#@! *H* tsukihime Chapter 46 read - Licensed in USA
#@! Claymore 4 read
hunterx 90YE. 22shu
Suzuka FIN
Goddess 23 hua read
Davinci chapter 30

Kyo no Go no Ni 4+1 FIN
~ GenShiKen 2 12 FIN - slice of life.
~ Mnemosyne 06 FIN - immortal story
~ Toshokan Sensou 12 FIN - Library Wars
~ Nabari No Ou 10 Watched - ninjaking? starting to become sloww
~ Kamen no Maid Guy 2 Watched - ? what?
~ RD Sennou Chousashitsu 5 Watched - GitS 2.0
Soul Eater 1 Watched - cool fightscene; female lead voice nt nice.
Vampire Knight 02 Watched - i have no idea whats going on
~ Kanokon 5 Watched - wtff fanservice
School Days 1 Watched - crazy ending
Monochrome Factor 1 Watched - wtf its gay. like really gay
Vampire Knight 1 Watched
Gunslinger Girl 3 Watched - a bit -dark-
VTV~ evangelion 26 FIN -
Shugo Chara! 5 Watched - Character change magical girl
BlassReiter 1 Watched - Monsters that fuse with machines
Touka Gettan 2 watched - huh? ep1=last ep. ghosts,stonesword
TAMNM 2 Watched
Rosario+ 2 Watched -Fan service with a capital F
Kimagure Orange Road 1 Watched ` -old style art. *think ranma*
School Rumble 14 watched ( "SR03" by masterumble)
Azumanga Daioh 2 Watched
Zero no Tsukaima -whats this?
Honey and Clover 2 Watched -dont like character art
Amaenaideyo!! 2 Watched -dunno what im watching
Death Note -not interested
Ergo Proxy -cannot find
Kanon -bad reviews
Izumo Takeki Tsurugi no Senki -huh? game
Stellvia of the Universe -brose recc
Slayers Again/Try -brose recc
Gundam -'always' wanted to watch one
Macross -brose recc
Lucky Star 24 FIN
Genshiken 13+1 FIN
Code Geass 26 FIN
Bamboo Blade 26 FIn
Clannad 22+1+1[FIN] Watched
Dragonaut - The Resonance 25 FIN
Spice and Wolf 13 FIN
Shakugan no Shana II 24 FIN
True Tears 13 FIN
Kimikiss 24 FIN
sola 15 FIN
Goshuushou-sama Ninomiya-kun 12 FIN
H2O - Footprints in the Sand 12 FIN
Minami-ke 13 FIN
Minami-ke okawari 13 FIN
Myself; Yourself 13 FIN
Fate / Stay Night 13 FIN
Ouran High School Host Club 26 FIN
Ghost in the Shell SAC +2nd gig 26 26 FIN
Vandread +2nd Stage 13 13 FIN
Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha + A's + StrikerS 26 26 26 FIN
Elemental Gelade 26 FIN
Tenjou Tenge 26 FIN
Rozen Maiden + Overture + Traumend 13 2 12 FIN
Chrono Crusade 26 FIN
He is My Master 13 FIN
Shakugan no Shana 26 FIN
Kenichi 51 FIN
The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 13 FIN
Claymore 26 FIN
Elfen Lied 13 FIN
Devil May Cry 6 FIN
Green Green 13 FIN

~end of excerpt~!!

Monday, May 19, 2008

The last post?

well. kudos to google on never deleting anything... i realise that not deleting anything might actually result in better "data safety" and removes the problem of data fragmentation entirely. Anyway. I realise the server hosting this probably runs raid 2 or higher.. and im taking up some space with my insignificant rantings and words. wonder how long this will remain here.. 100 years? Google will probably start manufacturing hard disks by then..

Sometimes i wonder what went wrong with me. I cant stand my father. How he doesn't listen, and talks to you like he's talking to himself. How he always thinks i don't respect him and how he always thinks im arguing with him. How he always thinks he's right...

Then i realise he is right. in more ways than one. Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't understand why it happened, but i began "rebelling" and arguing, mainly because i always think im right and he's wrong, and i don't like being treated like a spineless, insignificant brat. Somewhere along i also lost all respect of him.

He couldn't pass his As, only passed after my mum made him go for another try.. he was always receiving complaints at work, but somehow thats normal because he worked at an NPP so boliao citizens will always jack him just because they're not too happy with his attitude or something. I don't doubt he worked his ass off to earn money. he even continued working after he retired in a couple of jobs, then he stopped because he felt his body couldn't cope with working long hours anymore. Now he just stays at home with my mum and -occasionally- makes everyone's life miserable.

All i remember when i was young was that he always had alot of rage. it was mostly undirected, but it definitely wasnt dormant. I have a few traumatic experiences with that rage, which i remember all too well. As a child (id like to think that i am no longer one) i was the naughty, playful, active, crazy type.

There was once i ran around the hawker centre at old airport road. I was what? 7? When my family found me we left immediately. And before we got into the car he pinched me countless times all over my thighs. if i remember correctly i was wailing. i dont remember him stopping.

Another time i was arguing with him. I was.. having my O levels. Rebellious age ya? he pushed me arnd and used his fists and feet on me. I dont remember it hurting, and i dont remember making much noise. he stopped, probably cos he got tired. I cried in bed after that.

That was probably the last time i really cried.

He has fetched me to camp every book in since i went into NS. We have conversations like normal father and son. Time and again he will suddenly burst into anger and declare that i am arguing with him. Past experiences will remind me to just stop talking and let him rant and rave for a while, but sometimes i get angsty too and the house gets noisy. In the end i will always lose, regardless of what i say or what the argument is about (he doesn't listen anyway), because "I am your father!" pretty much owns everything else i have to say. (and i cant shout "NO!" and fall into a pit to be rescued by-)

Now, i feel like i am becoming a lot like him. * Doesn't listen. Argues. Refuse to lose. Doesn't give a damn what everyone else thinks. Talk like im talking to myself. Talk as if no one else' feelings matter. full of rage. I no longer respect him. I have been thinking about this lately. And i don't know how to change myself. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into denial and becoming an introvert. Soon ill probably fear human contact and try to stay away from my friends in case something i do/say makes them think different of me. Different from how they used to see me. I keep detecting animosity between my peers and myself.

*A Thought* that, maybe, just maybe, if one of my friends who know of this site ever comes back to read all of this, maybe they will understand why i am who i am now.. just a hope.

I feel alone. And it feels disturbingly comfortable.